So much more than groceries

From very early on in Connor’s autism diagnosis, I always made it a mission to find the positive in every situation we were facing. I wanted to acknowledge and feel the pain of the difficult but I never wanted to end up stuck there, dwelling and drowning. On our very hardest days of autism, I will admit, it was a nearly impossible feat to find the silver lining and because I am human I have definitely given in to my share of “Why me? Why my child? How can I make this better? What am I doing wrong?...” When I was consumed with irrational guilt and fears, having the most difficulty seeing the positive; I obsessively turned to research and advocacy in every area where Connor was suffering. 
Lately, I feel like balance is returning to this journey between my son and I. Five years into autism I have learned to stop comparing Connor to a checklist for “normal” eight year old milestones, I have learned to stop blaming myself when things aren’t going great, and I have learned that when I allow Connor to show me what he is capable of, this is when it is always the easiest to see his triumphs over autism.
Tonight, I took my child to the grocery store and this small act that most parents take for granted filled my heart with more pride and gratitude than I can express. You see, from the time my son was small all the way up until very recently, it was hard to take him grocery shopping. I would wait until my husband was home and both boys were settled and I would typically head out to shop sometimes at 8 and 9 PM just to avoid bringing Connor. This is because elopement was a huge concern; Connor was a runner with very little safety awareness. Imagine trying to push a cart, grab groceries and hold onto your child at all times. Now imagine that your child is on sensory overload from the noises, the bright lights, the smells and all of the visual input of brightly colored packages; but wait! Not only is he on sensory overload, he is minimally verbal and unable to express what is bothering him or what he wants or needs to feel regulated in this environment. And oh yeah, just to make it interesting, when he is experiencing sensory overload and frustration, his go-to move is to lie on the ground, with no consideration for the other shoppers in the aisle who all stare because to them he is just a misbehaved child having a tantrum (que the stares and glares at me as well as if I am a mom who clearly doesn’t discipline enough.) When we stopped taking Connor on long shopping trips, we decided that we had to make it a mission to incorporate more smaller store trips into his schedule to desensitize him to the experience and increase the rate of success. We knew that being able to functionally navigate a store was a life skill he needed to have to be independent and in our world, independence is always the end goal. He has been doing amazing with these quick shopping trips lately but when we headed out today for the grocery store with a list that I knew would take a significant amount of time to get through, I was definitely on edge with anticipation. 
To my own surprise and with immense pride, we spent over an hour in the store! I did not have to hold my son’s hand the entire time we were there! He held onto the cart and stayed near me, he was smiling and engaging, he talked to me and was silly and made requests for favorite foods and labelled the things that he saw. One of my favorite moments was in the frozen food aisle when Connor was riding on the back of the cart and got down after we stopped, he came around the side of the cart where I was pushing and he stroked my hair and said “Hi, Momma”; the worker stocking the freezers in that aisle smiled at us and told us to have a good night and instead of mean, cruel, judgmental stares, he looked at us endearingly, a mother and her child, sharing a moment in a grocery store. Something so simple to most, meant so much more to me. For today, this is the silver lining.